My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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