The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
All I want is dick and wine.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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