I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
