The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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