I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
last night I used snow as a chaser
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
