we have officially lost it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Couch. On fire.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize