My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
