I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize