I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
