I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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