Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
