When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
