Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
