she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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