you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
