I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
