So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
