so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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