you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize