we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
