I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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