I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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