I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
