textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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