I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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