i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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