I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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