we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
