just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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