I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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