my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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