He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
