what if every blade of grass was a penis?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
