you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
