Dual....:-)
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
