don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
