How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
