I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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