i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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