You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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