Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
