I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
