I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
