Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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