why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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