I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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