So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
