apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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