You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
