Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
