She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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