I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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