don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
