I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
