Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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