he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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