I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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