"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
