hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
