Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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