Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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