Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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