So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
