I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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