you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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