i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
