Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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